I’d just like to get this off my chest.
1) I have one best friend. Her name is Erin. She’s the only one I can count on any more.
2) the happiest I have ever been is in a dream, when I thought my cat Gnarly was back, I was running around yelling “GUYS IS THIS REALLY REAL? IS GNARLY BACK??” It’s the only dream I ever thought was real, and the only dream I have woken up from making me feel completely alone.
3) I miss laying on the couch with Lily, I miss my puppy.
4) I am the happiest I have ever been, but I still think about killing myself all the time.
5) I have realized I have pretty much lost my old best friend, she doesn’t feel like a part of “the family” any more, and every time we hang out it’s awkward and she isn’t even the same person. So it’s just weird.
6) I blame myself for the death of my rats, and I deserve it. Maybe not Amour, because I didn’t create the tumor in her, but I am 100% responsible for Kora becoming grossly overweight and dying.
7) the past few months have been pretty fucking hard.
Seven years today, you’re gettin’ old little lady.
It’s been a while tumblr, but I’m not here to stay. Just here to post something, not that relevant, but hopefully the right person will see this(: My first assignment in my english class, an essay on what freedom means to me.
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion”. There are many things in this country that stop one from being as free as another. For me, being gay does get in the way of how people view me and restrict my freedom. From the middle of my childhood to the end of my pre-teen years, I lived with my aunt, uncle, grandma, and two cousins, because of my age and relationship with the people in the house I did not always have fun living there. After a few years of hard times I moved back in with my mom and occasionally visited my cousin’s and aunt. It had been a while since I had moved out of my grandma’s house and I was coming back to baby sit my little cousins (mostly just make sure the fighting stayed to a minimum) while my grandma was on a cruise and my cousin’s parents were at work. It was July 21st 2010, it was like any other summer day I spent there, sitting on the one person chair watching the Real World with my cousin Ariel and talking to people on the computer, I had just been introduced to a new person, named Jade; a great person, with a huge heart, and a love of tattoos, stretched ears, and ladies. I then saw that Jade, was not a guy like I thought she was, but very much a girl, and then second I realized she was a girl, I thought, “I.. Think.. I like girls”. The second this thought ran through my head, I looked up to see two guys holding hands on TV, and hearing Ariel yell, “EW THAT’S SO GROSS”. My heart went from racing to dropping instantly. I like girls, and the person I view as a baby sister, thinks it’s disgusting. That night I went to bed, in my old room, and starred at the ceiling. I thought and thought and thought. I still like Jade; I don’t mind that she’s a girl, really. I thought back on my life, to a friend I made when I was twelve, Jesse, I thought she was a boy also, but when I figured out she was a girl, I stopped liking her instantly, only because I thought being a girl liking girls wasn’t my thing, but was okay for other people. Then I looked farther back, to preschool, and remembered how upset I used to get when my friend Molly and my cousin Alex played together without me. I thought that it was because someone was playing with my cousin, without me, then I thought about it, well, I did think Molly was cute, I guess I liked her too. I was confused, it was such a small event in my life, with such a bold outcome, that I was so sure of. Being gay has its ups and its downs. I love being with a woman, and I feel happier and more comfortable with my fiancé then I do myself. Though, there are times when I feel like this freedom is restricted, like when I am around certain family members or in certain places, I cannot just reach over and hold my fiancés hand. There is also the obvious, I can’t actually get married in the state of Washington, where we plan on settling. Though there is hope in being able to have the same freedom as others (marriage), but first we must rebel to prove to others that gay marriage should be legalized. The truth is I feel like I can be my true self when I am with her, and that’s freedom in its truest form.
Another short rant, because I can’t sleep.
I can’t wait to move out, I think I will be so much happier. I was not happy to be coming back to this house. Moving out is the only “freedom” I’m looking for right now. I just need to get out, this place is so horrible. I need a new envorinment, one with the people I love, I really can’t wait.
Take a step back and look at, not just your life, but other people’s lives. You used to be the only person I could talk to, and the only one that actually cared. But I can’t get over how much you don’t care any more. What happened to being there for me? What happened to you helping me through the month of August. WHAT HAPPENED TO FUCKING HELPING ME GET THROUGH THIS WHOLE NEVAEH SITUATION, OH you wouldn’t know, but I was supposed to see her beofre I went to Arkansas, but I didn’t, do you know how awful that was? I have been waiting FOR A FUCKING MONTH, with high hopes to see her, and then how low I felt when I realized, she’s gone again, back to one of the Carolinas’, Like everything else, you wouldn’t know, because you have’nt taken the time to ask how things are going. I don’t even know where to begin. I feel so.. Betrayed. For a while I tried to pretend like it didn’t bother me, but when I said, “it’s ‘not okay’” and you take it as “it’s fine” NO IT’S NOT FUCKING FINE THAT MY BEST FRIEND DOESN’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. What happened to you wanting to be that great “aunt” to my kids? I think about my future EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, and you never seem to fit into my future any more, we are hardly friends before senior year starts, and when it does start, and I get a job and I’m working my ass off to support myself, I won’t have any free time, and the time I have, I am going to spend time with people who are trying to be a part of my life. How can you not care when I said “but this time.. things got real bad” DO YOU NOT CARE. YOU AREN’T WORRIED? Cause, I fucking worry about you all the time. REMEMBER, when you said we needed to hang out before summer ended, and when it was Tuesday night, I realized, “well, not going to hang out with Krissy before school starts” What happened to hanging out, making food, playing video games, watching horror movies. What happened. I have been trying so hard to get through all of this bullshit, on my own( with the help of Erin), where were you? Don’t answer, I don’t care if you really are “at home watching juju” I. Don’t. Believe You. You say you feel unwelcome? Like Erin said, we try to hang out with you EVERY CHANCE WE GET. You’ve made yourself an outcast. I don’t know anything about you any more. You’re not even the same person. Let’s face it. We have both changed, but you wouldn’t know that. Yeah, I’m a bit bitter about the whole situation, but I feel like, I should be upset. And from now on, when people ask about my best friend, the answer isn’t “Krissy” any more, because it’s not true.
And if you are offended by this, good. Now you know how I have felt for the past… Who even knows how long any more.
Like I said earlier, I fuck everything up. and I hate myself. I just need some time alone. I just need to feel. Free. I want to feel like everything is okay. Just for a day. I just want everything to be okay. But I just can’t. I. Just. Ruin. Every. Thing. I can’t stand my self.
When people just straight up ignore you when you talk. Okay, “friends”.
Let’s just fuck up one more time, just for fun.
So fucking tired of not being good enough and saying/doing the wrong things. Some times I just want to give up. But I know that would be my biggest mistake and I would regret it until the day I died.
Honestly, the houses on craigslist are so shitty right now, either too expensive or don’t have enough space for all of us (aka 6 people). BUT I’m looking!
This is by South hill.. So we probably won’t take this one,
This is in bonney lake.. But it cost a lot.. and I think we would have someone else live with us too.. I’m not sure if some of the extra rooms have doors or if they are just open rooms.
This one is also by south hill.. -___-
THIS ONE ALMOST LOOKS PROMISING.
Just fucking kidding they don’t allow pit bulls ._.
So I looked at this one.. Which is way to much… But it sounds like there are two master bedrooms? I don’t know, either way I think I am going to call and ask to see it.
I don’t know if they will allow us to have Hersey… But here’s another.
The only way we could have this one.. Is to make Eric or Tyler take the unattached garage…
Eh. This might be in King County.. Which I was trying to avoid because the taxes are higher.
Lake tapps… All of those ones were expensive.
This one may not be allowed to have Hersey again.
This one is in fife.. and yeah. haha
I’ll go back and see how much each house would cost, ect. Erin, Eric, Veroniqa and I are going to town from my house right now, we might go look at the houses near here, it Erin has gas.
WE LOVE YOU. And will be back soon.